Grouchiness, Frustrations...and Insomnia

Have you ever been up too late and you want nothing more than to be in bed but there are so many thoughts and emotions running through your head that you know it would be pointless to even try to sleep? That seems to be where I am right now. It's almost midnight and I have to get up at five something...yet here I am, pouring my heart out in cyberspace.

I'm frustrated right now because I let myself get caught up in too much and allow myself to become grouchy. Is there ever a good reason to be grouchy? I think it's one thing to be grouchy inside and have a bad attitude, but it's totally another thing when you take all the frustrations and grouchiness and slam it on an unsuspecting victim. I would say in the classroom, this can happen a lot. One student makes a bad choice and everyone suffers. I feel bad for my students who can't read my mood and tell me their pencil broke when I'm about to explode.

I feel the worst about grouchiness when I take it out on my friends and don't allow myself to have a good time in a group setting. I hate it when people have a bad attitude yet I find myself doing the same thing. I was grouchy tonight in my smallgroup and I definitely took it out on certain friends. It's almost as if all my frustrations of the day and disappointments in certain students are stored up in me until just the right moment when I feel I have been wronged. And then...watch out! It all comes spilling towards whoever the unlucky person is.

Tonight in smallgroup, we talked about wisdom...where it comes from and how we can obtain it. I feel like I gain a lot of wisdom through experiences like these where I learn from my mistakes while at the same time learning how to be humble when it comes to apologizing and admitting that I indeed was at fault. Goodnight!

I Rejoice in Your Successes

So, the past few weeks teaching has been really hard. I've been discouraged and just really doubted my capabilities as a teacher. I've been amazed this year how much what goes on in my classroom affects my real life...spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have a few boys that are very hard to work with. One is very apathetic, flippant and doesn't care about ANYTHING. I have another kid who tries so hard but when he doesn't understand or succeed at first, he throws a huge fit and cusses up a storm. These two boys have been my challenge for the year. I have 23 other challenging children, but these two boys are the ones who hold my attention and ultimately hold my heart. I've come to realize these past few weeks that when I notice they are doing something good, when they are trying, or when they get above a C on a paper or homework assignment, a breeze of true joy washes over me. For a brief moment, it is all worth the hardships I am facing. It is only a brief moment, but during that moment the phrase "I rejoice in your successes" keeps repeating in my head, over and over. It's crazy, but I really am thrilled when I see Zac care about something or when I see Aaron control his anger. I rejoice! I don't really know where the phrase came from but it resounds in my head everytime I have one of these moments.
Anyway, I've been thinking of this phrase lately and a new idea has jumped into my little brain this week. I always hear this phrase when I'm most discouraged and then something good happens at school. The more I reflect on it, the more it is being revealed to me that this is not my own voice in my head, it's God's. Maybe everytime I'm discouraged God whispers how proud He is of me and how He rejoices in MY successes. It's a crazy cycle! I find joy in my troubled students when they do good...and my Heavenly Father finds joy in me when I do good and when I see the good in even my most troubled students. Thank you Lord for grace and for finding joy in me despite my many faults.

The Beauty around us

So I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write on my blog and I looked up in great pleasure to see a deer out in the woods behind my house. It is beautiful outside right now, even though it is a very brisk 18 degrees. The snow just looks so perfect on the ground and I love to see the remnants of the snow storm still clinging to the trees. Sometimes my mind gets going so fast all the time that I often miss out on the beauty of moments such as these. There are times that I feel God simply touches my heart and just whispers, "Stop...and look what I have for you. Even as I sit here typing my eyes are opened to the nature outside my window...to the birds playing in the trees and the deer looking for food. It is truly at moments like these when I say to myself and to my heart, "How could you ever doubt His love for you? How could you ever feel so alone? He is all around you...everywhere you look." Thank you, Lord for opening up my eyes.

Woohoo!

Hot Dog! I figured it out! Now I have a profile picture...I'm no longer blank!

I just want a flipping picture!

I'm trying to put a picture on my profile but it seems I have to go through a whole string of events to do so. Hold on, let me see if I can do it...

Out with the Old; In with the New: A Tribute to 2006

I love the beginning of a new year. I love the fresh start. It's like a clean slate with everything. In my world, everything means my classroom, my physical health, my emotional health, and even my spiritual life. As I continue to grow in my walk with the Lord, I am slowly discovering that I can't succeed in any area of my life to my own heart's content unless Christ is at the center. More often than not, I put Jesus in this tiny box. I create a world where God can't do everything and that it is up to me to take control. This is so wrong and so irritating when I realize that I do this.
So here I am. It is January 2nd and after a long talk with the Lord, I have come up with a long list of "resolutions." They are not all "I give up this or that" but more like me trying to become a more positive person. Me making efforts to be selfless and grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord. Me learning what it means to not put God in a little box. Me learning to love my 25 children with the love Christ so graciously pours on me. Me learning to love myself in a way that I improve my lifestyle and get healthy. Me learning to forgive and allow Jesus to completely heal wounds in my heart.

The year 2006 was a big year for me. As I look upon it and reflect, I realize how hard of a year it was. And I realize how much I grew through it. Here is a list of circumstances and events that I learned huge life lessons from:

• Student teaching taught me that I didn't really learn much about teaching in college. I learned that it is a completely different world when there are actual children involved.


• My broken friendship with who I considered one of my closest friends showed me what true brokenness looks like. I faced issues about myself that I had no idea existed. I learned to face many fears dealing with rejection, boundaries, and issues with my family.




• Through this brokenness, I was led into one of the hardest summers I have ever had. I spent the whole summer at Discipleship Focus in Branson and truly learned the depths of my brokenness and I came to know Grace and how Christ uses our brokenness to create a beautiful new creation. I am overwhelmed by how much God showed me and loved on me in the summer. He healed me of so many issues I struggled with in relationships and never let me go. He picked up the broken pieces of my heart and made a beautiful mosaic.




• Teaching has been the most humbling experience of my life. Just when I felt like my life was being put together and that maybe I didn't need God as much, He created an environment where I would crumble without Him as the center. Granted, this took a while to figure out. Through teaching, I have seen the nastiness of myself and am currently learning how to love people who are basically considered by the rest of the world as unloveable. It has been a very hard lesson and one that will hopefully continue the rest of my life.
  
  



• God has shown me huge amounts of Faithfulness this last year through the promise of new friendships and the continued growth of old. When I graduated college in May, I thought that was the end of friendmaking and spiritual growth. I figured all the friends I'd ever need would be from CofO and that I'd only grow as far as I got in college. He has shown me that there is so much more! I have been blessed richly by an amazing church Body at Harvest and by my small group Eikon. He is has even blessed me with an amazing support system of Believers at the school I teach at. I treasure my friendships with those at school who continue to pray for me.
  
  

Well, that pretty much wraps it up for the year 2006. Of course I left a lot out but these circumstances and events show me the growth I have experienced the richness of the Lord's faithfulness. I look forward to this new year in my life. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me in the year 2007 but I'm ready to jump in and get started!

A Charlie Brown Christmas

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." -Erma Bombeck

So it's three days till Christmas, and I'm longing for the excitement I felt as a child. What happened to the great anticipation and counting down the minutes till the happy occasion? Why do I not seem to care anymore? I kinda feel like Charlie Brown in Charlie Brown Christmas. He feels so bogged down by commercialism that he can't get into the spirit. I must say I've felt like this for the past few years. I'm not really sure what happened. I used to be the crazy teenager who listened to Christmas music in July and longed for that winter day in December.

Are we as humans able to create this excitement ourselves or is it instilled in us through a greater source?

Lord, may you bless me with true joy this Christmas. Instill in my heart the true reason why we celebrate this special day. Let me be joyful and share my joy with those in my life. Thank you for your everlasting faithfulness.