Grouchiness, Frustrations...and Insomnia

Have you ever been up too late and you want nothing more than to be in bed but there are so many thoughts and emotions running through your head that you know it would be pointless to even try to sleep? That seems to be where I am right now. It's almost midnight and I have to get up at five something...yet here I am, pouring my heart out in cyberspace.

I'm frustrated right now because I let myself get caught up in too much and allow myself to become grouchy. Is there ever a good reason to be grouchy? I think it's one thing to be grouchy inside and have a bad attitude, but it's totally another thing when you take all the frustrations and grouchiness and slam it on an unsuspecting victim. I would say in the classroom, this can happen a lot. One student makes a bad choice and everyone suffers. I feel bad for my students who can't read my mood and tell me their pencil broke when I'm about to explode.

I feel the worst about grouchiness when I take it out on my friends and don't allow myself to have a good time in a group setting. I hate it when people have a bad attitude yet I find myself doing the same thing. I was grouchy tonight in my smallgroup and I definitely took it out on certain friends. It's almost as if all my frustrations of the day and disappointments in certain students are stored up in me until just the right moment when I feel I have been wronged. And then...watch out! It all comes spilling towards whoever the unlucky person is.

Tonight in smallgroup, we talked about wisdom...where it comes from and how we can obtain it. I feel like I gain a lot of wisdom through experiences like these where I learn from my mistakes while at the same time learning how to be humble when it comes to apologizing and admitting that I indeed was at fault. Goodnight!

I Rejoice in Your Successes

So, the past few weeks teaching has been really hard. I've been discouraged and just really doubted my capabilities as a teacher. I've been amazed this year how much what goes on in my classroom affects my real life...spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have a few boys that are very hard to work with. One is very apathetic, flippant and doesn't care about ANYTHING. I have another kid who tries so hard but when he doesn't understand or succeed at first, he throws a huge fit and cusses up a storm. These two boys have been my challenge for the year. I have 23 other challenging children, but these two boys are the ones who hold my attention and ultimately hold my heart. I've come to realize these past few weeks that when I notice they are doing something good, when they are trying, or when they get above a C on a paper or homework assignment, a breeze of true joy washes over me. For a brief moment, it is all worth the hardships I am facing. It is only a brief moment, but during that moment the phrase "I rejoice in your successes" keeps repeating in my head, over and over. It's crazy, but I really am thrilled when I see Zac care about something or when I see Aaron control his anger. I rejoice! I don't really know where the phrase came from but it resounds in my head everytime I have one of these moments.
Anyway, I've been thinking of this phrase lately and a new idea has jumped into my little brain this week. I always hear this phrase when I'm most discouraged and then something good happens at school. The more I reflect on it, the more it is being revealed to me that this is not my own voice in my head, it's God's. Maybe everytime I'm discouraged God whispers how proud He is of me and how He rejoices in MY successes. It's a crazy cycle! I find joy in my troubled students when they do good...and my Heavenly Father finds joy in me when I do good and when I see the good in even my most troubled students. Thank you Lord for grace and for finding joy in me despite my many faults.

The Beauty around us

So I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write on my blog and I looked up in great pleasure to see a deer out in the woods behind my house. It is beautiful outside right now, even though it is a very brisk 18 degrees. The snow just looks so perfect on the ground and I love to see the remnants of the snow storm still clinging to the trees. Sometimes my mind gets going so fast all the time that I often miss out on the beauty of moments such as these. There are times that I feel God simply touches my heart and just whispers, "Stop...and look what I have for you. Even as I sit here typing my eyes are opened to the nature outside my window...to the birds playing in the trees and the deer looking for food. It is truly at moments like these when I say to myself and to my heart, "How could you ever doubt His love for you? How could you ever feel so alone? He is all around you...everywhere you look." Thank you, Lord for opening up my eyes.

Woohoo!

Hot Dog! I figured it out! Now I have a profile picture...I'm no longer blank!

I just want a flipping picture!

I'm trying to put a picture on my profile but it seems I have to go through a whole string of events to do so. Hold on, let me see if I can do it...