Climbing Out of a Rut...

I feel like I've been in sort of a rut the past three or four months. My life has changed in huge ways and I think that under lots of different types of stress, I sort of went into a bit of depression. I don't think I recognized it as such until this weekend when I had some time to think about my life. As I sat at my kitchen table last night, and poured my cries out to God in my journal, I realized I didn't even have words to express everything I feel. I mentioned a lot of this to my closest friends over the past few months...that I felt like my life was lacking something. That I no longer felt any strong passion towards any one thing...even God. For some reason, though I heard His voice prompting me to talk to him...I wouldn't. I would ignore him. I couldn't even muster up the motivation to care about sin or what I was doing to my relationship with the Lord. I honestly didn't really care. It's as if the person I know God created me to be, a person with a huge passion for life and people, and creativity...was stifled and shoved into a little tiny box and thrusted into the back of my heart. I became numb...to everything.

As hard as that is for me to write, it was the truth. So now what? you may be asking yourself. I'll tell you what. Something amazing about this God of ours is that he doesn't let you just sit there for long by yourself in a rut. No...over the past three or four months, even in my darkest moments, the Lord has been there, pursuing me and continuing to love me despite my downfalls. Every once in a while He gives me a sweet glimpse into the life I desire and reassures my doubting heart that all will be okay.

Yesterday, I took a nap. I'm not usually one to take naps because I always think I'm too busy. But I laid down and slept solidly for over 5 hours. I honestly think sleep is one of the things I needed more than anything. I woke up and yesterday feeling better emotionally than I had in a long time.

Today I woke up and was excited about life. I realized that my life is not going to end just because I only have six dollars in the bank. I feel like there is this rejuvanated spirit in my heart. I realized today that it is a real desire for me to start exercising and be healthy. I realized that I want to blog...and SHOULD blog. I have stifled so much creativity in me these past few months that my right side of my brain has probably shut down!

I want to paint and write letters to friends and I want to drink more hot tea and I want to cook a lot and sing loudly and put my laundry away and laugh and have a special time for just the Lord and me. I want all these things, I desire these things, and now I thank the Lord for allowing these things to become a reality.